Repeated Service

sometimes, no matter how much the heart hurts, nor how much physical pain u feel.. u must close all doors of sentiment and move on…

As I stepped outside And saw the tree outside my door. It was shining with a golden reddish color. The setting sun illuminated it’s leaves and bark with it bright rays. It reminded me of you. And how u lightren up my everything with your rays of love and sunshine. I had never noticed that tree before. I’ve stared at it hundreds of times in the last few years. Yet never had I payed attention. I had u on my mind at that moment. And even the simplest and most redundant things I do. When ur on my mind, they become beatiful and new.

I met you on a Saturday morning. Hundreds perhaps even thoulsands gathered for the same cause. Yet some how that day I was meant to fall in line with you. I was alone but not lonely, you were with company. The sight of you intrigued me. I walked up to you with no hesitation, as if some force guided me straight to your path. The meeting was anything but akward, just two strangers meeting in the middle of nowhere. The people moved in between and around us yet blurry from my eye sight for it was only u that captivated my stare. Our conversations were random but unique in my view. Your company departed, leaving us alone in between the crowd. As if destiny herself had planned it that way.. We walked for miles along each other. The cause for our walk still in the back of our minds, yet u seemed more intriguing at that time. We spoke for hours and miles without a pause. A connection unlike any other I had ever encountered.. We reached the end of the line. Our porpose was over, yet I could not detach myself from u. I learned so much about u, but not enough on how to find u again. I gave u a way to find me and maybe share some still memories of our meeting. I hoped u would try to find me, yet till now I have heard nothing of u… Perhaps u wish to keep it that way. But I must say, I cannot stop thinking of you. I have you burned in my mind. Perhaps we met at the wrong time, perhaps it was just me that felt something… I met u on a Saturday morning… But I think of you every day….

How do I define the emptiness I feel without the sound of your voice. The feeling of solitude engulfs me. Every minute that passes by is a sad reminder that one more day is coming to an end without you. I see you smiling face so clearly without closing my eyes. Your image is burned in my mind. I wish for a simple glance of you. I dream of holding you. To feel the softness of your gentle hand brush against my skin. The sweetness of your lips. The warmth of your embrace. The scent of your perfume still lingers all around me. Your laugh is a constant ringing in my ear, I hear you call out my name so clearly. I lift my head and look around, but I awake from my daydream…. Your not there. I hold the phone with trigger fingers like a pistol.. My strength weakens as I almost dial your number just to hear your voice. I close my eyes and hold the tears back. I can’t…I shoulnt… I mustn’t… But oh God!!!… I miss you.

Once again I fall into the ocean of the heart. The waves of passion break against my weakened body and consume me. I sink deep into the depths of love. I’m blinded by the darkness that surrounds me. I’m out of breath and cannot fight back. I keep sinking and feel the pressure in my chest. This burning and aching feeling is overwhelming. No tears nor screams release the pressure, the aching. My heart does not think or speak, it only feels. I wait for the sound of your voice. At this moment it feels as if that alone will save me. I’m so sure you will call out to me. I wait patiently with no doubt… I drift and sink calmly. I allow the ocean to take me. I know you will come for me….. Please… I know you can hear my silence…. Save me.. Come quickly…..

Lil past midnight, sitting at the end of the bar.. Oh god this is such a bad sad beginning to a low budget movie.. I sit here sipping on a semi cold beer, chewing on day old soggy popcorn from the free machine.. My friend Vivien sits next to me giggling and just happy to be out for the evening celebrating her second day of turning 30.. Thru sips of warm beer I listen to kareoke of the song “hey jude,” some how I feel like I’m in a movie sceen of a film I saw not long ago. My friend Vivien leans over and whispers, “I always wanted to get a job here, I don’t now why.. It’s so seedy.. And u can fish for porno and tickle me Elmo with one dollar from the crane machine”.. I can’t help but to laugh and for a moment snap out of my stressfull confusing, draining funk… I sit here and sob over my own thoughts and troubles, but still looking around me, thinking what’s the story with everyone else in this crummy joint… I must remind myself not to ever try to endulge myself with the stale nachos at the free snack table… Note to self… (No wonder they are free).. More like free of decent consumption.. I’m obviously not drunk enough to enjoy a paper plate of goo semi crunchy chips.. And definitely not drunk enough to not make fun of Vivien sing sweet child of mine.. And completely make me forget how much I thought i liked that song…… Panachos.. A new name Vivien has deemed the free snacks of popcorn and nachos.. However the word reminds me of Panocha.. Which is Spanish slang for a womans privates… Phmm intriguing but yet not arrousing.

I know you are looking my friend… But you will not find it here.

My regular crazy night..working as always. The feeling of anticipation lingered within my surroundings.. I knew u were on your way. I felt relaxed and anxious. I would get to see u again before the night was over. As the night proceeded I continued working keeping my eyes off the clock as to not remind myself of how much longer I had to wait till your arrival. The. Second I submerged myself into the screen, I paused.. It was as if I could instinctly smell your perfume, I turned my head and there u were. Standing at the end of the bar as my friends welcomed u in. My heart skipped like it always seems to at the sight of your presence. I had the overwhelming urge to run to u and throw my arms around. I composed myself and tried to act suave and cool and not let u see how u send me spinning everytime I’m around you. The second u walked in the night glowed and the clock sped up.. It went so fast the next thing I knew I was holding ur hair back. A sign of u passing your limit. Yet u still looked absolutely beautiful.. I walked u back to your seat and watched you slip into a slumber. I held you tight and caresed your hair. I watched you sleep, your face was calm and stunning. A slight grin on your lips, a heavy breathing of tired yet fun long night. The scent of your perfume blended with wine was seductive and I could do nothing but hold you and dream of kissing your lips. I sat quietly with you, looked upon your face, and dreamed of days were I could hold you, grasp your hand in mine and walk the streets, the beach or just the park. Anywhere where i could show the world the love I have for you. I saw a world that could be ours, all when you were sleeping……

Perhaps I I forgot I needed u, perhaps I forgot I loved you, now I must begin again. Perhaps I didn’t listen, perhaps I forgot to listen to you. But I now I know I love you. and I have no idea how to prove to you that u are all I live for and all I fight for..

My lovely sister… U were with me this xmas eve.. I’ll miss you every second of my life… Heaven has u now.. I hope u still see me… One day we shall meet again.. I love you..