Repeated Service

How do I define the emptiness I feel without the sound of your voice. The feeling of solitude engulfs me. Every minute that passes by is a sad reminder that one more day is coming to an end without you. I see you smiling face so clearly without closing my eyes. Your image is burned in my mind. I wish for a simple glance of you. I dream of holding you. To feel the softness of your gentle hand brush against my skin. The sweetness of your lips. The warmth of your embrace. The scent of your perfume still lingers all around me. Your laugh is a constant ringing in my ear, I hear you call out my name so clearly. I lift my head and look around, but I awake from my daydream…. Your not there. I hold the phone with trigger fingers like a pistol.. My strength weakens as I almost dial your number just to hear your voice. I close my eyes and hold the tears back. I can’t…I shoulnt… I mustn’t… But oh God!!!… I miss you.

Once again I fall into the ocean of the heart. The waves of passion break against my weakened body and consume me. I sink deep into the depths of love. I’m blinded by the darkness that surrounds me. I’m out of breath and cannot fight back. I keep sinking and feel the pressure in my chest. This burning and aching feeling is overwhelming. No tears nor screams release the pressure, the aching. My heart does not think or speak, it only feels. I wait for the sound of your voice. At this moment it feels as if that alone will save me. I’m so sure you will call out to me. I wait patiently with no doubt… I drift and sink calmly. I allow the ocean to take me. I know you will come for me….. Please… I know you can hear my silence…. Save me.. Come quickly…..

Lil past midnight, sitting at the end of the bar.. Oh god this is such a bad sad beginning to a low budget movie.. I sit here sipping on a semi cold beer, chewing on day old soggy popcorn from the free machine.. My friend Vivien sits next to me giggling and just happy to be out for the evening celebrating her second day of turning 30.. Thru sips of warm beer I listen to kareoke of the song “hey jude,” some how I feel like I’m in a movie sceen of a film I saw not long ago. My friend Vivien leans over and whispers, “I always wanted to get a job here, I don’t now why.. It’s so seedy.. And u can fish for porno and tickle me Elmo with one dollar from the crane machine”.. I can’t help but to laugh and for a moment snap out of my stressfull confusing, draining funk… I sit here and sob over my own thoughts and troubles, but still looking around me, thinking what’s the story with everyone else in this crummy joint… I must remind myself not to ever try to endulge myself with the stale nachos at the free snack table… Note to self… (No wonder they are free).. More like free of decent consumption.. I’m obviously not drunk enough to enjoy a paper plate of goo semi crunchy chips.. And definitely not drunk enough to not make fun of Vivien sing sweet child of mine.. And completely make me forget how much I thought i liked that song…… Panachos.. A new name Vivien has deemed the free snacks of popcorn and nachos.. However the word reminds me of Panocha.. Which is Spanish slang for a womans privates… Phmm intriguing but yet not arrousing.

I know you are looking my friend… But you will not find it here.

My regular crazy night..working as always. The feeling of anticipation lingered within my surroundings.. I knew u were on your way. I felt relaxed and anxious. I would get to see u again before the night was over. As the night proceeded I continued working keeping my eyes off the clock as to not remind myself of how much longer I had to wait till your arrival. The. Second I submerged myself into the screen, I paused.. It was as if I could instinctly smell your perfume, I turned my head and there u were. Standing at the end of the bar as my friends welcomed u in. My heart skipped like it always seems to at the sight of your presence. I had the overwhelming urge to run to u and throw my arms around. I composed myself and tried to act suave and cool and not let u see how u send me spinning everytime I’m around you. The second u walked in the night glowed and the clock sped up.. It went so fast the next thing I knew I was holding ur hair back. A sign of u passing your limit. Yet u still looked absolutely beautiful.. I walked u back to your seat and watched you slip into a slumber. I held you tight and caresed your hair. I watched you sleep, your face was calm and stunning. A slight grin on your lips, a heavy breathing of tired yet fun long night. The scent of your perfume blended with wine was seductive and I could do nothing but hold you and dream of kissing your lips. I sat quietly with you, looked upon your face, and dreamed of days were I could hold you, grasp your hand in mine and walk the streets, the beach or just the park. Anywhere where i could show the world the love I have for you. I saw a world that could be ours, all when you were sleeping……

Perhaps I I forgot I needed u, perhaps I forgot I loved you, now I must begin again. Perhaps I didn’t listen, perhaps I forgot to listen to you. But I now I know I love you. and I have no idea how to prove to you that u are all I live for and all I fight for..

My lovely sister… U were with me this xmas eve.. I’ll miss you every second of my life… Heaven has u now.. I hope u still see me… One day we shall meet again.. I love you..

And it starts, sometime around midnight.
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself
for a minute or two.
As you stand, under the bar lights.
And the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while.
And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile.
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her for a while.

But you know, that she’s watching.
She’s laughing, she’s turning.
She’s holding her tonic like a cross*.
The room’s suddenly spinning.
She walks up and asks how you are.
So you can smell her perfume.
You can see her lying naked in your arms.

And so there’s a change, in your emotions.
And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

Then she leaves, with someone you don’t know.
But she makes sure you saw her.
She looks right at you and bolts.
As she walks out the door,
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes.
Oh and when your friends say,
“What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Then you walk, under the streetlights.
And you’re too drunk to notice,
that everyone is staring at you.
You just don’t care what you look like,
the world is falling around you.

You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You know that she’ll break you in two.

Chrismas eve, the night was cold with a gentle rain. It was late night yet it seemed so early for my usual coming home. I felt restless and lonely. One of the few eves I spent alone. First year in a long time I was not with my family and no friends having a gathering. Trying not to allow myself to get emotional, but the night was chilled and my face felt cold and empty. I walk to the near store. Perhaps in search of something to do other than sit at home. As I walked to the entrance with my head up high I noticed a neighbor walking out. As we mad eye contact, both of us smiled and whispered merry christmas, him too seeming a bit on the low. For a second I felt good that I was not the only one roaming the streets. I walked in the store with no real purpose or specifics on what it was I wanted to buy. I grabbed a bottled water and a cup of joe. Spoiling myself by buying the most expensive water, perhaps to make up for the blackened, over heated most bitter cup of coffee. As I stood at the register I looked down to pull my wallet out. I caught a shiny sparkle from the corner of my eye. I stopped and viewed a bit closer at this shimmering glow on my arm. There it was, I paused. A long strand of light brown hair. Not my own as for I have short thick black hair. Confused for a second I reached quickly to extract it from my jacket. As I touched it, I I paused yet again, almost in movie mode. A flash back of the last time I held her in my arms. I remembered the the night clearly..Shocked at the clarity of her image looking straight into my eyes as we said goodbye. It seemed so long ago and perhaps it was.. I had not worn that jacket in a while. I smiled, I could not bring myself to remove it from my sleeve. It laid there wrapped tightly within the folds of my sleeve. I couldn’t disturb it. I smiled again and gently padded it back against the cloth. I took a deep breath, and with the exhale I realized I had her with me. My night seemed brighter, accomplished. From what?… I don’t know, but there was a beating in my chest that brought me back to life. I felt hot, but in the best sense of the word. I quickly paid for my items and walked slowly but with a gentle pep in my step. With every few steps I took I would look down again to make sure the strand was still there. I arrived home, took my jacket off and placed it gently in my closet. I thought to myself again, I have you with me. At least in memory… As I began to close the door. I couldn’t help myself but to softly touch the sleeve one last time. A voice in my head whispering… good night sweet girl, if not this life time, Perhaps the next… I’ll find u again….. Wait for me……..