Repeated Service

Memories of a broken heart, what used to be a heavy and physically engulfing pain deep with in. Now slowly disapates to a rhythmic throb of soreness. The memory still there, almost like a bruise left behind by a shattering punch to the chest. Yet a soothing wave of calmness leisurely surrounds my entire body. Teasing me with small hopes of better days ahead. I optimisticly await it’s arrival with anticipation. That feeling of freedom and peace, so close to me yet unreachable. So near I can almost feel it take over. I close my eyes and surrender all thoughts of anger and grief. Expectations of that calmness to subdue this broken soul and free it from the grasp of this desolate state in my heart. I embrace the misfortune of teaching my heart to be alone, to love only me. To hold off that need to love anyone else. Force it to entertain the notion of solitude and selfishness. My heart cannot give anymore of itself. It’s not whole, it never has been. It has attached itself to any one heart to fullfill it’s void. In desperate need to be complete. Yet with every unstable failure another piece is broken off, leaving my heart in a decline so steep that the top is now not only further away, but unreachable.

If promises were water
I’ve drank my share
If broken hearts were shelter
I’ve never been homeless
If flying were lies
then i’m well grounded
If friends and family were only in the past
then I have no future
If sadness were hunger
then I am starving

I open my eyes slighly, slowly and forcefully, like a creaky door pushe open by a chillfull wind. sunlight beams inside, a dim weak light, my eyes close again tired and heavy. I pry them open not realizing that more than an hour has passed by. the dim light is now brighter and almost painful upon my eyes. I awake with a heavy weight on my chest as if a ton of bricks had been laying on my chest overnight. I try to take a deep breath, but the pressure is so strong that it makes my lungs ache. For a split second, its a beautiful morning. But then the reality of my situation slams my head like a bullet train without warning. The anger that a few weeks ago used to be pain, overflows in my chest. I awake from a bad dream, right into a dreadful nightmare. I take another deap breath and inhale the realization of my own torture. I feel weak and nauseous, yet angry and violent. I try to shake it off by thinking of all the beautiful things that surround me. However that only angers me deeper, the fact that all that I still grasp in my life seems to fade in the background. My confusion grows and only over takes me. I fight it, I play it off, it seems to be working. No one need to know, everyone has their own baggage and their own demons. No one needs to see me, no pity no sorrow, no rescue, no savior. I miss who I was, I hope I find me again…..

Oh Erika! where has life led you now? The message that you so desire still has not reached you. Reapeted experiences one after another , yet you have learned nothing that eases this hollow void. …. I tell myself, this only make you a stronger person. But even that brings no comfort nor consolation. I feel weaker by the minute. I rach no resolution, I am blank.  I cant seem to remember the last time I trully looked myseft in the mirror, I cannot face myself, I cannot look. I remain only in my mind. I cannot see that Im real, not yet. What torture, what hate. What Am I not able to say in my endless rambling conversations of my life experiences? How is it that I am able to lose all sense and sanity, how is it that I let myself lose control. I give myself completetly and then …. bammm!!! slap in the face!

 And it is the agony of feeling love that make me love you even more. Love can be so sweet and it can be lovely. But love most of the time is cruel and heartbreaking. It can be sad, lonely and at times frightening. Even when you have the one you love next to you, you become afraid of losing them. You never win and you never lose.

So sweet and innocent you look around, and yet in a split second you can shine out this seductive smile that sends chills down my back. Those coy and shy eyes turn bright and hungry for a returned glance of tease. Make love to me , they say. Touch me unconditionallly, let me sceam out your name and cry out that I love what you do to me. There would be nowhere to run from there. My only choice would be to hear that soft moan come from deep within you, allowing me to know I’m closer than you ever could imagine.

It is a sneaky and dirty little secret. Small in comparison with all the love I feel for the touch of your skin. To gently wrap my arms and soul around you like twigs of a rosemary bushes. To see and feel your skin as it slowly sheds away the sweet sweat of pleasure. Reminding me of leaves in the morning dew. How your skin glows and shines,your rosie cheeks flame and burn, your body shivers. Oh the great thrill you have brought to me. Let me touch you again, like the rays of the cold morning sun. They touch your skin and your body craves for more. How warm your breath feels upon my chest followed by your lips, you playfully tug and bite every inch of my body.

You so carelessly grasp my everything.

God is my reaction!!

So here is to another end of the year. It seemed like forever, the road was long and had little visability. But here we are getting ready for another jolly season. althought I still cant wait till its over and done with. Holiday season bumms me out.. blah