Repeated Service

As I stepped outside And saw the tree outside my door. It was shining with a golden reddish color. The setting sun illuminated it’s leaves and bark with it bright rays. It reminded me of you. And how u lightren up my everything with your rays of love and sunshine. I had never noticed that tree before. I’ve stared at it hundreds of times in the last few years. Yet never had I payed attention. I had u on my mind at that moment. And even the simplest and most redundant things I do. When ur on my mind, they become beatiful and new.

Lil past midnight, sitting at the end of the bar.. Oh god this is such a bad sad beginning to a low budget movie.. I sit here sipping on a semi cold beer, chewing on day old soggy popcorn from the free machine.. My friend Vivien sits next to me giggling and just happy to be out for the evening celebrating her second day of turning 30.. Thru sips of warm beer I listen to kareoke of the song “hey jude,” some how I feel like I’m in a movie sceen of a film I saw not long ago. My friend Vivien leans over and whispers, “I always wanted to get a job here, I don’t now why.. It’s so seedy.. And u can fish for porno and tickle me Elmo with one dollar from the crane machine”.. I can’t help but to laugh and for a moment snap out of my stressfull confusing, draining funk… I sit here and sob over my own thoughts and troubles, but still looking around me, thinking what’s the story with everyone else in this crummy joint… I must remind myself not to ever try to endulge myself with the stale nachos at the free snack table… Note to self… (No wonder they are free).. More like free of decent consumption.. I’m obviously not drunk enough to enjoy a paper plate of goo semi crunchy chips.. And definitely not drunk enough to not make fun of Vivien sing sweet child of mine.. And completely make me forget how much I thought i liked that song…… Panachos.. A new name Vivien has deemed the free snacks of popcorn and nachos.. However the word reminds me of Panocha.. Which is Spanish slang for a womans privates… Phmm intriguing but yet not arrousing.

I know you are looking my friend… But you will not find it here.

Chrismas eve, the night was cold with a gentle rain. It was late night yet it seemed so early for my usual coming home. I felt restless and lonely. One of the few eves I spent alone. First year in a long time I was not with my family and no friends having a gathering. Trying not to allow myself to get emotional, but the night was chilled and my face felt cold and empty. I walk to the near store. Perhaps in search of something to do other than sit at home. As I walked to the entrance with my head up high I noticed a neighbor walking out. As we mad eye contact, both of us smiled and whispered merry christmas, him too seeming a bit on the low. For a second I felt good that I was not the only one roaming the streets. I walked in the store with no real purpose or specifics on what it was I wanted to buy. I grabbed a bottled water and a cup of joe. Spoiling myself by buying the most expensive water, perhaps to make up for the blackened, over heated most bitter cup of coffee. As I stood at the register I looked down to pull my wallet out. I caught a shiny sparkle from the corner of my eye. I stopped and viewed a bit closer at this shimmering glow on my arm. There it was, I paused. A long strand of light brown hair. Not my own as for I have short thick black hair. Confused for a second I reached quickly to extract it from my jacket. As I touched it, I I paused yet again, almost in movie mode. A flash back of the last time I held her in my arms. I remembered the the night clearly..Shocked at the clarity of her image looking straight into my eyes as we said goodbye. It seemed so long ago and perhaps it was.. I had not worn that jacket in a while. I smiled, I could not bring myself to remove it from my sleeve. It laid there wrapped tightly within the folds of my sleeve. I couldn’t disturb it. I smiled again and gently padded it back against the cloth. I took a deep breath, and with the exhale I realized I had her with me. My night seemed brighter, accomplished. From what?… I don’t know, but there was a beating in my chest that brought me back to life. I felt hot, but in the best sense of the word. I quickly paid for my items and walked slowly but with a gentle pep in my step. With every few steps I took I would look down again to make sure the strand was still there. I arrived home, took my jacket off and placed it gently in my closet. I thought to myself again, I have you with me. At least in memory… As I began to close the door. I couldn’t help myself but to softly touch the sleeve one last time. A voice in my head whispering… good night sweet girl, if not this life time, Perhaps the next… I’ll find u again….. Wait for me……..

So here is to another end of the year. It seemed like forever, the road was long and had little visability. But here we are getting ready for another jolly season. althought I still cant wait till its over and done with. Holiday season bumms me out.. blah

Well, i’m back to work, vacation is over… Blah! Back to the daily duties of life. Not too bad of a life, I’m not complaining, just bitching about it.. LOL. Here goes another year…

Third day of camp, chilling and having fun. You might not say that it’s a rush nor a thrill, but however it sure is so much fun. Sitting out here just chilling with your friends. It Might not be the adrenaline rush that most people look for in a vacation, but I look toward to it every year. Just be goof balls and act the fool. Chill, cook, play a game of whatever and relax. Nothing to do and nothing to worry about.
Sometimes I do worry, only because I feel so distant and out of touch. Yet it is so relaxing to just let everything go, at least for a few hours. I miss home in a way. But I think it’s only the routine that I’m so used to, that I panic at the thought of not knowing what’s happening out there. while I’m not there. That alone is a bit of a thrill. But right now I feel a bit buzzed and I don’t care..LOL.

Sept. 6th 2008,
Second day of our 3rd annual camping trip. So here we are again enjoying a bit of peace and quiet away from our daily routines of work and home. You might not think that sitting here and doing absolutely nothing can be appealing. However this simple action or non-action, is breath taking. The sound of the birds chirping and the crackling fire, can be so calming and serene. This year we have Vivien and Shelby, 2 new comers to our yearly escape.
What the heck do we do out here in the middle of nowhere you ask? Well we do nothing, that being the point of relaxing. But you do have a choice of sleeping, hiking, walking, reading, blogging, drinking… And so on. The list of nothing is endless. No routines no big plans, just do what ever. The simple action of sitting here and stare at the fire contemplating life or nothing at all is soul lifting, I needed this. Sitting here blogging and seeing Shelby stare at the fire so intensely and Vivien blogging away in her notebook…LOL. The boys went to take a shower and left us girls to bask in the abundance of nature…. so fricken awesome! Cheers then!

So here I go. On my way to L.A. With no expectations per se. Perhaps just a bit anxious of what is out there. It’s been so long since my last trip there, almost a decade. I vaguely remember the streets down West Hollywood. I don’t remember being extremely impressed with it. But yet curious about the city of angels and famous folk.
This time however I hope it will be a bit more adventurous. And less in the naive tourist state. Not sure what’s in store for me when I get there but my friend Tammi (who is Nikki’s ex, more on that later if u keep reading) re assures me it will be a complete blast.
The funnies part of all this is who Im going with and whom we will be staying with. Ok, so you ready for this?.. LOL. I’m going on a road trip to Los Angeles with my best friend Nikki, whom by the way is my ex-girlfriend of over 10 years ago, which is who I originaly went to L.A. with the first time. And this time we are going again and staying with her exgirlfriend of about 2 years ago. Ge’ez, we are such your typical lesbians, no question. Well we half way there. More on my adventure later… LOL

Expectations in my view are when you accept no other outcome other than what you have set your mind on. Hopes in the other hand is something you have been setting your mind on,and expect them to be an outcome of actions. Either from someone or yourself. Wishes to me are thoughts in your mind that you’ve been hoping would or will happen at free will. Like something magical you’ve called upon. Now where do dreams fall into place in all of these? I don’t know, my question exactly. Any thoughts out there?