Repeated Service

My regular crazy night..working as always. The feeling of anticipation lingered within my surroundings.. I knew u were on your way. I felt relaxed and anxious. I would get to see u again before the night was over. As the night proceeded I continued working keeping my eyes off the clock as to not remind myself of how much longer I had to wait till your arrival. The. Second I submerged myself into the screen, I paused.. It was as if I could instinctly smell your perfume, I turned my head and there u were. Standing at the end of the bar as my friends welcomed u in. My heart skipped like it always seems to at the sight of your presence. I had the overwhelming urge to run to u and throw my arms around. I composed myself and tried to act suave and cool and not let u see how u send me spinning everytime I’m around you. The second u walked in the night glowed and the clock sped up.. It went so fast the next thing I knew I was holding ur hair back. A sign of u passing your limit. Yet u still looked absolutely beautiful.. I walked u back to your seat and watched you slip into a slumber. I held you tight and caresed your hair. I watched you sleep, your face was calm and stunning. A slight grin on your lips, a heavy breathing of tired yet fun long night. The scent of your perfume blended with wine was seductive and I could do nothing but hold you and dream of kissing your lips. I sat quietly with you, looked upon your face, and dreamed of days were I could hold you, grasp your hand in mine and walk the streets, the beach or just the park. Anywhere where i could show the world the love I have for you. I saw a world that could be ours, all when you were sleeping……

And it starts, sometime around midnight.
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself
for a minute or two.
As you stand, under the bar lights.
And the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while.
And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile.
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her for a while.

But you know, that she’s watching.
She’s laughing, she’s turning.
She’s holding her tonic like a cross*.
The room’s suddenly spinning.
She walks up and asks how you are.
So you can smell her perfume.
You can see her lying naked in your arms.

And so there’s a change, in your emotions.
And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

Then she leaves, with someone you don’t know.
But she makes sure you saw her.
She looks right at you and bolts.
As she walks out the door,
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes.
Oh and when your friends say,
“What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Then you walk, under the streetlights.
And you’re too drunk to notice,
that everyone is staring at you.
You just don’t care what you look like,
the world is falling around you.

You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You know that she’ll break you in two.

Chrismas eve, the night was cold with a gentle rain. It was late night yet it seemed so early for my usual coming home. I felt restless and lonely. One of the few eves I spent alone. First year in a long time I was not with my family and no friends having a gathering. Trying not to allow myself to get emotional, but the night was chilled and my face felt cold and empty. I walk to the near store. Perhaps in search of something to do other than sit at home. As I walked to the entrance with my head up high I noticed a neighbor walking out. As we mad eye contact, both of us smiled and whispered merry christmas, him too seeming a bit on the low. For a second I felt good that I was not the only one roaming the streets. I walked in the store with no real purpose or specifics on what it was I wanted to buy. I grabbed a bottled water and a cup of joe. Spoiling myself by buying the most expensive water, perhaps to make up for the blackened, over heated most bitter cup of coffee. As I stood at the register I looked down to pull my wallet out. I caught a shiny sparkle from the corner of my eye. I stopped and viewed a bit closer at this shimmering glow on my arm. There it was, I paused. A long strand of light brown hair. Not my own as for I have short thick black hair. Confused for a second I reached quickly to extract it from my jacket. As I touched it, I I paused yet again, almost in movie mode. A flash back of the last time I held her in my arms. I remembered the the night clearly..Shocked at the clarity of her image looking straight into my eyes as we said goodbye. It seemed so long ago and perhaps it was.. I had not worn that jacket in a while. I smiled, I could not bring myself to remove it from my sleeve. It laid there wrapped tightly within the folds of my sleeve. I couldn’t disturb it. I smiled again and gently padded it back against the cloth. I took a deep breath, and with the exhale I realized I had her with me. My night seemed brighter, accomplished. From what?… I don’t know, but there was a beating in my chest that brought me back to life. I felt hot, but in the best sense of the word. I quickly paid for my items and walked slowly but with a gentle pep in my step. With every few steps I took I would look down again to make sure the strand was still there. I arrived home, took my jacket off and placed it gently in my closet. I thought to myself again, I have you with me. At least in memory… As I began to close the door. I couldn’t help myself but to softly touch the sleeve one last time. A voice in my head whispering… good night sweet girl, if not this life time, Perhaps the next… I’ll find u again….. Wait for me……..

Memories of a broken heart, what used to be a heavy and physically engulfing pain deep with in. Now slowly disapates to a rhythmic throb of soreness. The memory still there, almost like a bruise left behind by a shattering punch to the chest. Yet a soothing wave of calmness leisurely surrounds my entire body. Teasing me with small hopes of better days ahead. I optimisticly await it’s arrival with anticipation. That feeling of freedom and peace, so close to me yet unreachable. So near I can almost feel it take over. I close my eyes and surrender all thoughts of anger and grief. Expectations of that calmness to subdue this broken soul and free it from the grasp of this desolate state in my heart. I embrace the misfortune of teaching my heart to be alone, to love only me. To hold off that need to love anyone else. Force it to entertain the notion of solitude and selfishness. My heart cannot give anymore of itself. It’s not whole, it never has been. It has attached itself to any one heart to fullfill it’s void. In desperate need to be complete. Yet with every unstable failure another piece is broken off, leaving my heart in a decline so steep that the top is now not only further away, but unreachable.

If promises were water
I’ve drank my share
If broken hearts were shelter
I’ve never been homeless
If flying were lies
then i’m well grounded
If friends and family were only in the past
then I have no future
If sadness were hunger
then I am starving

You so carelessly grasp my everything.

God is my reaction!!

So my friends tell me about this site where I can blog about my feelings, events or simple thoughts. So I reluctantly sign up and wrote my first blog. I have to say it is kind of theraputic. I am horrible at writting none the less spelling. But I decided, hey, what the hell, why not. So here I am spilling away my guts to the internet as it was a long lost friend I haven’t seen in a while. I have so many thoughts in my head, yet I cannot type fast enough to release them all. But Im trying my best. Im sure that after a while I will eventualy become better at this, and not only be able to release some steam, but perhaps be a written lesson for someone out there. And if not, then this will at least be a collection of my rambling thoughts. 

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