Repeated Service

sometimes, no matter how much the heart hurts, nor how much physical pain u feel.. u must close all doors of sentiment and move on…

I met you on a Saturday morning. Hundreds perhaps even thoulsands gathered for the same cause. Yet some how that day I was meant to fall in line with you. I was alone but not lonely, you were with company. The sight of you intrigued me. I walked up to you with no hesitation, as if some force guided me straight to your path. The meeting was anything but akward, just two strangers meeting in the middle of nowhere. The people moved in between and around us yet blurry from my eye sight for it was only u that captivated my stare. Our conversations were random but unique in my view. Your company departed, leaving us alone in between the crowd. As if destiny herself had planned it that way.. We walked for miles along each other. The cause for our walk still in the back of our minds, yet u seemed more intriguing at that time. We spoke for hours and miles without a pause. A connection unlike any other I had ever encountered.. We reached the end of the line. Our porpose was over, yet I could not detach myself from u. I learned so much about u, but not enough on how to find u again. I gave u a way to find me and maybe share some still memories of our meeting. I hoped u would try to find me, yet till now I have heard nothing of u… Perhaps u wish to keep it that way. But I must say, I cannot stop thinking of you. I have you burned in my mind. Perhaps we met at the wrong time, perhaps it was just me that felt something… I met u on a Saturday morning… But I think of you every day….

How do I define the emptiness I feel without the sound of your voice. The feeling of solitude engulfs me. Every minute that passes by is a sad reminder that one more day is coming to an end without you. I see you smiling face so clearly without closing my eyes. Your image is burned in my mind. I wish for a simple glance of you. I dream of holding you. To feel the softness of your gentle hand brush against my skin. The sweetness of your lips. The warmth of your embrace. The scent of your perfume still lingers all around me. Your laugh is a constant ringing in my ear, I hear you call out my name so clearly. I lift my head and look around, but I awake from my daydream…. Your not there. I hold the phone with trigger fingers like a pistol.. My strength weakens as I almost dial your number just to hear your voice. I close my eyes and hold the tears back. I can’t…I shoulnt… I mustn’t… But oh God!!!… I miss you.

Once again I fall into the ocean of the heart. The waves of passion break against my weakened body and consume me. I sink deep into the depths of love. I’m blinded by the darkness that surrounds me. I’m out of breath and cannot fight back. I keep sinking and feel the pressure in my chest. This burning and aching feeling is overwhelming. No tears nor screams release the pressure, the aching. My heart does not think or speak, it only feels. I wait for the sound of your voice. At this moment it feels as if that alone will save me. I’m so sure you will call out to me. I wait patiently with no doubt… I drift and sink calmly. I allow the ocean to take me. I know you will come for me….. Please… I know you can hear my silence…. Save me.. Come quickly…..

Perhaps I I forgot I needed u, perhaps I forgot I loved you, now I must begin again. Perhaps I didn’t listen, perhaps I forgot to listen to you. But I now I know I love you. and I have no idea how to prove to you that u are all I live for and all I fight for..

My lovely sister… U were with me this xmas eve.. I’ll miss you every second of my life… Heaven has u now.. I hope u still see me… One day we shall meet again.. I love you..

I open my eyes slighly, slowly and forcefully, like a creaky door pushe open by a chillfull wind. sunlight beams inside, a dim weak light, my eyes close again tired and heavy. I pry them open not realizing that more than an hour has passed by. the dim light is now brighter and almost painful upon my eyes. I awake with a heavy weight on my chest as if a ton of bricks had been laying on my chest overnight. I try to take a deep breath, but the pressure is so strong that it makes my lungs ache. For a split second, its a beautiful morning. But then the reality of my situation slams my head like a bullet train without warning. The anger that a few weeks ago used to be pain, overflows in my chest. I awake from a bad dream, right into a dreadful nightmare. I take another deap breath and inhale the realization of my own torture. I feel weak and nauseous, yet angry and violent. I try to shake it off by thinking of all the beautiful things that surround me. However that only angers me deeper, the fact that all that I still grasp in my life seems to fade in the background. My confusion grows and only over takes me. I fight it, I play it off, it seems to be working. No one need to know, everyone has their own baggage and their own demons. No one needs to see me, no pity no sorrow, no rescue, no savior. I miss who I was, I hope I find me again…..

Oh Erika! where has life led you now? The message that you so desire still has not reached you. Reapeted experiences one after another , yet you have learned nothing that eases this hollow void. …. I tell myself, this only make you a stronger person. But even that brings no comfort nor consolation. I feel weaker by the minute. I rach no resolution, I am blank.  I cant seem to remember the last time I trully looked myseft in the mirror, I cannot face myself, I cannot look. I remain only in my mind. I cannot see that Im real, not yet. What torture, what hate. What Am I not able to say in my endless rambling conversations of my life experiences? How is it that I am able to lose all sense and sanity, how is it that I let myself lose control. I give myself completetly and then …. bammm!!! slap in the face!

 And it is the agony of feeling love that make me love you even more. Love can be so sweet and it can be lovely. But love most of the time is cruel and heartbreaking. It can be sad, lonely and at times frightening. Even when you have the one you love next to you, you become afraid of losing them. You never win and you never lose.