Repeated Service

And it starts, sometime around midnight.
Or at least that’s when you lose yourself
for a minute or two.
As you stand, under the bar lights.
And the band plays some song
about forgetting yourself for a while.
And the piano’s this melancholy soundtrack to her smile.
And that white dress she’s wearing
you haven’t seen her for a while.

But you know, that she’s watching.
She’s laughing, she’s turning.
She’s holding her tonic like a cross*.
The room’s suddenly spinning.
She walks up and asks how you are.
So you can smell her perfume.
You can see her lying naked in your arms.

And so there’s a change, in your emotions.
And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

Then she leaves, with someone you don’t know.
But she makes sure you saw her.
She looks right at you and bolts.
As she walks out the door,
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes.
Oh and when your friends say,
“What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Then you walk, under the streetlights.
And you’re too drunk to notice,
that everyone is staring at you.
You just don’t care what you look like,
the world is falling around you.

You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You know that she’ll break you in two.

Chrismas eve, the night was cold with a gentle rain. It was late night yet it seemed so early for my usual coming home. I felt restless and lonely. One of the few eves I spent alone. First year in a long time I was not with my family and no friends having a gathering. Trying not to allow myself to get emotional, but the night was chilled and my face felt cold and empty. I walk to the near store. Perhaps in search of something to do other than sit at home. As I walked to the entrance with my head up high I noticed a neighbor walking out. As we mad eye contact, both of us smiled and whispered merry christmas, him too seeming a bit on the low. For a second I felt good that I was not the only one roaming the streets. I walked in the store with no real purpose or specifics on what it was I wanted to buy. I grabbed a bottled water and a cup of joe. Spoiling myself by buying the most expensive water, perhaps to make up for the blackened, over heated most bitter cup of coffee. As I stood at the register I looked down to pull my wallet out. I caught a shiny sparkle from the corner of my eye. I stopped and viewed a bit closer at this shimmering glow on my arm. There it was, I paused. A long strand of light brown hair. Not my own as for I have short thick black hair. Confused for a second I reached quickly to extract it from my jacket. As I touched it, I I paused yet again, almost in movie mode. A flash back of the last time I held her in my arms. I remembered the the night clearly..Shocked at the clarity of her image looking straight into my eyes as we said goodbye. It seemed so long ago and perhaps it was.. I had not worn that jacket in a while. I smiled, I could not bring myself to remove it from my sleeve. It laid there wrapped tightly within the folds of my sleeve. I couldn’t disturb it. I smiled again and gently padded it back against the cloth. I took a deep breath, and with the exhale I realized I had her with me. My night seemed brighter, accomplished. From what?… I don’t know, but there was a beating in my chest that brought me back to life. I felt hot, but in the best sense of the word. I quickly paid for my items and walked slowly but with a gentle pep in my step. With every few steps I took I would look down again to make sure the strand was still there. I arrived home, took my jacket off and placed it gently in my closet. I thought to myself again, I have you with me. At least in memory… As I began to close the door. I couldn’t help myself but to softly touch the sleeve one last time. A voice in my head whispering… good night sweet girl, if not this life time, Perhaps the next… I’ll find u again….. Wait for me……..

Memories of a broken heart, what used to be a heavy and physically engulfing pain deep with in. Now slowly disapates to a rhythmic throb of soreness. The memory still there, almost like a bruise left behind by a shattering punch to the chest. Yet a soothing wave of calmness leisurely surrounds my entire body. Teasing me with small hopes of better days ahead. I optimisticly await it’s arrival with anticipation. That feeling of freedom and peace, so close to me yet unreachable. So near I can almost feel it take over. I close my eyes and surrender all thoughts of anger and grief. Expectations of that calmness to subdue this broken soul and free it from the grasp of this desolate state in my heart. I embrace the misfortune of teaching my heart to be alone, to love only me. To hold off that need to love anyone else. Force it to entertain the notion of solitude and selfishness. My heart cannot give anymore of itself. It’s not whole, it never has been. It has attached itself to any one heart to fullfill it’s void. In desperate need to be complete. Yet with every unstable failure another piece is broken off, leaving my heart in a decline so steep that the top is now not only further away, but unreachable.

If promises were water
I’ve drank my share
If broken hearts were shelter
I’ve never been homeless
If flying were lies
then i’m well grounded
If friends and family were only in the past
then I have no future
If sadness were hunger
then I am starving

I open my eyes slighly, slowly and forcefully, like a creaky door pushe open by a chillfull wind. sunlight beams inside, a dim weak light, my eyes close again tired and heavy. I pry them open not realizing that more than an hour has passed by. the dim light is now brighter and almost painful upon my eyes. I awake with a heavy weight on my chest as if a ton of bricks had been laying on my chest overnight. I try to take a deep breath, but the pressure is so strong that it makes my lungs ache. For a split second, its a beautiful morning. But then the reality of my situation slams my head like a bullet train without warning. The anger that a few weeks ago used to be pain, overflows in my chest. I awake from a bad dream, right into a dreadful nightmare. I take another deap breath and inhale the realization of my own torture. I feel weak and nauseous, yet angry and violent. I try to shake it off by thinking of all the beautiful things that surround me. However that only angers me deeper, the fact that all that I still grasp in my life seems to fade in the background. My confusion grows and only over takes me. I fight it, I play it off, it seems to be working. No one need to know, everyone has their own baggage and their own demons. No one needs to see me, no pity no sorrow, no rescue, no savior. I miss who I was, I hope I find me again…..

Oh Erika! where has life led you now? The message that you so desire still has not reached you. Reapeted experiences one after another , yet you have learned nothing that eases this hollow void. …. I tell myself, this only make you a stronger person. But even that brings no comfort nor consolation. I feel weaker by the minute. I rach no resolution, I am blank.  I cant seem to remember the last time I trully looked myseft in the mirror, I cannot face myself, I cannot look. I remain only in my mind. I cannot see that Im real, not yet. What torture, what hate. What Am I not able to say in my endless rambling conversations of my life experiences? How is it that I am able to lose all sense and sanity, how is it that I let myself lose control. I give myself completetly and then …. bammm!!! slap in the face!

 And it is the agony of feeling love that make me love you even more. Love can be so sweet and it can be lovely. But love most of the time is cruel and heartbreaking. It can be sad, lonely and at times frightening. Even when you have the one you love next to you, you become afraid of losing them. You never win and you never lose.

So sweet and innocent you look around, and yet in a split second you can shine out this seductive smile that sends chills down my back. Those coy and shy eyes turn bright and hungry for a returned glance of tease. Make love to me , they say. Touch me unconditionallly, let me sceam out your name and cry out that I love what you do to me. There would be nowhere to run from there. My only choice would be to hear that soft moan come from deep within you, allowing me to know I’m closer than you ever could imagine.

It is a sneaky and dirty little secret. Small in comparison with all the love I feel for the touch of your skin. To gently wrap my arms and soul around you like twigs of a rosemary bushes. To see and feel your skin as it slowly sheds away the sweet sweat of pleasure. Reminding me of leaves in the morning dew. How your skin glows and shines,your rosie cheeks flame and burn, your body shivers. Oh the great thrill you have brought to me. Let me touch you again, like the rays of the cold morning sun. They touch your skin and your body craves for more. How warm your breath feels upon my chest followed by your lips, you playfully tug and bite every inch of my body.